Happy Fall Y'all!

It's pumpkin time!  Hooray!  Like everyone else, I absolutely love fall.  This is one thing that I really missed while we lived in California.  The weather in California is so nice.  It is always so nice.  So nice that it even started to be a little bit boring and monotonous for me.  I love big sweaters, knee high boots, warm soup, and everything pumpkin.  I am a creature that needs change and seasons, so bring on the fall and the cold weather!

We have some great pumpkin patches and farms in the area that we live in.  We also have great fall foliage that turns such beautiful colors!  This place is gorgeous in the fall.  The pumpkin patches and farms can get quite busy around this time of year.  We try and make adjustments where we can so that the boys can still participate and see the fall festivities, but also not be too overstimulated.

Ez & Ash Fall 2013

First off, we always go in the middle of the week.  Always.  Jason will take work off and I will have the boys miss preschool that day.  Are you thinking that I am mother of the year for taking the kids out of school?  Hey, you do what you got to do!

The middle of the week is not as crowded.  Ezra and Asher don't do well with large crowds.  Especially Ezra.  He will get too overstimulated and it will cause something like a not nice tantrum or him running away and endangering himself.  So we always try to go on a day that isn't busy (and a positive side- there are no lines and the admission is cheaper!!).

Cox Farms is our favorite.  They have slides, farm animals, hay rides, and all of the apple cider and apples that you can eat for free.

We first visited the goat farm.  Asher really likes animals.  He has always been so interested in them.  I've read numerous stories and studies that state that animals are so beneficial for children with autism.  They help children display more social behaviors; smiling, looking at faces, etc.  Animals can also help in comforting a child with ASD and in teaching empathy.  I think this is totally true for Asher.  He lights up when he sees animals.  He signs more and makes more verbal sounds around animals.

But Ezra?  Yeah, Ezra hates animals.  He is terrified of them.  He always has been.  Ezra is very sensitive to sounds and he really hates animals sounds.  Not only does he hate the actual sound an animal will make, but if I make an animal sound like 'moo moo' or 'woof woof'  he does not like that either.  He will cover his ears and move his hands over his ears very fast like he is trying to wipe gunk off of them.  When he watches a movie or plays on the iPad I always mute them.  He doesn't like sound at all.  There might be other reasons why he doesn't like animals, but the most obvious reasons is because of the sounds they make.  Maybe we should get this kid a dog? ;-)

It looks like we are torturing the poor kid!

 Ezra finally gave in to pet the baby goat.  They were the cutest things ever!  But he still had to protect himself. :-)

Finally petting the goat!

Asher was terrified at first.  You probably can't see from the pictures, but Jason and I took turns holding him for the first 15 minutes until he calmed down.  Then he went to town petting the goats and got quite verbal with them.  He is our screamer and our jumper!  I love that about Asher.  He is always full of excitement!  Asher means "happy one" in Hebrew, and he really lives up to his name- most of the time!  You can see what I mean in our videos.

You can also see that Asher decided to use the goat walkway like a slide.  The kid loves slides but it definitely made for very dirty jeans!



Onto the slides.  My kids might be apprehensive with animals, but they have no fear in the height and speed department.  This farm has tons of little slides that are geared for the kids.  We didn't waste our time there.  Nope.  There is one gigantic slide at the edge of the farm that only the bravest go down.  Ez and Ash love this slide.  One time we were waiting at the top of the slide to speed down and a group of 8-10 year olds got too scared and backed out of going down.  And then there is always a few 5-6 year olds that get to the top and start crying until someone agrees to walk back down the hill with them.  Not my boys.  They are fearless.  Sometimes this can be a good thing, but sometimes this can be a really really really bad thing.  They don't recognize imminent danger which is very very bad.  But when it is time to ride slides it's a good thing!  Here is proof that they love the big slide!

Did I mention that pink is his favorite color?

Covering his ears because he hears an alpaca in the very faint distance

We had a great day at the pumpkin farm!  On the way home we snarfed down candy corn and homemade root beer like it was going out of style.  Yes, I am addicted to sugar!  Happy fall y'all!

Dumb Things People Say

I have a lot of thoughts today about autism and the really dumb things people say.  I need to explain myself though, and in order to do that I need to talk about my husband's mother.

It's been almost 7 years since Sandi, my mother in law passed away.  We miss her and think of her every single day.  I cry when I think of Sandi not being here with us on earth to give us love and encouragement for our boys.  She worked with special needs children at the elementary school that her children went to.  I just know that she would have been amazing with my boys and a very loving grandmother to them.

I met Sandi before I ever met my husband, Jason.  The first time I ever met her was on a Sunday in my church house.  You see, I had just come home from an 18 month mission for my church.  During that time, my parents moved to a smaller and more manageable home for their needs.  My parents attended a new church house (same church, but a different building) and when I got home from my mission I went to church with them.

I knew no one in this new church house.  No one.  So I was quite surprised when I first met Sandi.  We were sitting on a pew in the chapel when services were about to begin.  This woman on the other side of the chapel leans over and starts smiling and waving and mouthing something to me.  She was beautiful.  Like breathtakingly beautiful.  She had this stark black hair.  Her eyes were a piercing grayish green.  And she was dressed to the nines.  She had on all of this gorgeous chunky silver jewelry, a perfectly tied silk scarf on her neck, and perfectly manicured nails.  Like I said, she was gorgeous.

Sandi at our wedding reception

I smiled and waved back.  I whispered to my mom and asked her who this woman was.  Did I know her and just didn't remember?  My mom replied: "No, that's Sandi.  She is the sweetest and kindest woman.  She just loves returned missionaries.  She lives alone with her single son."  I hope I am setting up a positive image of this woman.

Fast forward one year- and I was marrying her single son, Jason.  Fast forward a year after we were married, and she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She fought breast cancer for a long time.  She got to a point in her cancer treatments that she was unable to take care of herself.  At that time, Jason and I were the only ones in her family that did not have children.  We spent many of nights at her home getting her dinner, getting her medicine, and just spending time with her while she was feeling awful.

In the last few months of her life she was very sick.  We all knew that it was only a few weeks or days before she would pass away.  Lots of people in the neighborhood, in her local church ward, friends, and family members came to say goodbye.  Jason and I stayed in her room with her to be with her and visit with the other people that came to visit.

I remember this one incident so clearly.  A woman in her neighborhood came to say goodbye.  Jason and I both knew her fairly well.  Let's call her Mary.  There were other people there too.  Mary started talking to Sandi and told her how jealous she was of her.  She said that there was nothing more she would like to do than to lie in bed all day just like Sandi was.  Mary talked about how she was so busy and she just wished that she could have some down time and lie in bed too.

It was one of those moments where our mouths literally dropped and hung open.  Other people in the room were looking around like: 'Did she just say what I thought she really just said??'  But yes, Mary said it.  Luckily Sandi was so out of it and medicated at the time that she just smiled back at her, grabbed her hand, and thanked her for visiting.  Or maybe Sandi was just being the saint that she was.

Sandi's funeral

Jason and I still talk about that incident.  Did Mary really wish that she could have cancer so that she could lie in bed all day?  Probably not.  Hopefully not.  But people say things, especially in uncomfortable situations, that they don't really mean.  Maybe Mary was jealous of the attention that Sandi was getting.  They had been neighbors for years and then suddenly for the past 2 years everybody cared about Sandi and no one cared about Mary.  Or maybe it was just an uncomfortable situation and Mary didn't know what to say and then it just came out of her mouth.  Maybe.  Who knows.

Now what I just shared with you is a really extreme case that drives the point hard.  Jason and I call that 'the case of the cancer' whenever we talk about it.  I've had many 'Marys' in the short 2 years that we've been on the spectrum throw out 'the case of the cancer' to me.  People have said things to me, and continue to say things to me that I often think: 'Did they really just say that?'  Most of the time I brush it off.  I know that people just don't know autism and it's issues or maybe they don't know what to say.  I usually brush it off.  Sometimes though, it hurts.  Really really bad.

I won't share the ones that hurt.  I don't want to focus on those comments today.  Let me explain one comment that I get A LOT that I am good about brushing off.

My kids are both in an ABA based preschool.  ABA stands for Applied Behavior Analysis.  There are many treatments for autism, ABA being one of them.  ABA has been around since the 1960s, it is widely recognized and used, and has been endorsed by a number of state and federal agencies.  My kids go to preschool everyday and are gone for a few hours each day.  Both of my boys started this ABA preschool at the age of 2 and a half.  It is good for them to be in school, but they miss out on being little kids at home.  They are away from me, and that absolutely breaks my heart.  It actually kills me.  But, I know that early intervention is important and I know that this is the best thing for them right now in order to obtain the skills and behaviors they need to function in this world.

Ez and Ash at school.  Ezra wears sunglasses outside because he sensitive to light.

People say to me all of the time how jealous they are of me.  How easy my life must be.  How they would love to trade places with me.  I've even gotten a: 'how do I get my kid to have autism so I can send them off to school also?' How I must sit at home all day and just watch TV and Netflix.  I also get a lot of: 'wow, what do you do with all of that time to yourself?'  And: 'when are you going to go back to work, don't you get bored with all of that free time?'

People say dumb things and they really don't mean it.  I really doubt these people would trade their neurotypical child for a child with autism just so they could have an extra 3 hours alone each day.  They wouldn't really trade their child in, but they are probably uncomfortable with the situation and they don't know what else to say.  Or maybe they realize how hard my life is so they are trying to make me feel better by telling me how awesome it is to have 3 hours alone.  Whatever the reason, it's a dumb thing to say and sometimes I wish people would think a little bit before they speak.

Running is Cheaper than Therapy

I saw that exact bumper sticker the other day while we were driving to Occupational Therapy.  I almost laughed out loud, because for me, this could not be more true.

My friend and me after our 15k

You see, I've been to therapy before.  This year, not too many months ago.  I think I reached my breaking point.  I was hanging on the end of a rope and I felt like I might let go and plummet to my death.  Figuratively speaking here. 

Now don't get me wrong here.  I think therapy can be a very helpful thing for some people.  And I also know that it can be helpful once you find the right therapist that can talk to you and help you sort through everything that is going on in your life. 

For me, I was raising two young boys.  That in and of itself is tiring and daunting.  My boys also just happen to have an Autism Spectrum Disorder, which brings many difficulties and challenges.  I also felt so much guilt.  I've never felt so much guilt in all of my life.  I was choking on guilt.  I couldn't breathe.  I felt guilty that both of my boys were premature.  Guilty that I somehow caused them to have the issues that they have.  Guilty that I wasn't doing enough.  They weren't on a GFCF diet (gluten free casein free) like many of the moms in the autism community were doing.  We tried it, and it wasn't working for us.  I felt like I didn't fit in with my 'regular' friends who had neurotypical kids (neurotypical is a phrase coined in the autism community for someone that is not on the autism spectrum) but I also didn't fit in with the moms that had kids on the spectrum.  I felt depressed, isolated, and alone, so so so so alone.

My husband and several friends recommended I go talk to someone.  So I could get over this guilt that I had and that I could be the best mom I could be to my little guys.  So I made a call and waited about 4 weeks until my first appointment.

Her name was Karol and she was/is a delightful and competent therapist.  I visited with her for over the course of about 6 weeks, seeing her once a week.  I felt more stressed and more out of whack during this time than ever.  I had to get child care during my sessions, and that stressed me out to no end.  I worried about the boys during my appointments.  If my husband ever watched them, I worried that I was taking him away from his work and that I was making him be more stressed out with work issues. 

Also, talking about my boys and their issues brought up more bad feelings.  She made me talk about the trauma I experienced when I gave birth to my second son.  It was a traumatic birth (more on that later) and talking about it made me feel more guilty that my body was somehow less than and couldn't bear children properly.  I usually came home from each visit in a funk and a grumpy mood.  Plus it was expensive!!  We have insurance but I still had to pay $40 bucks per session.  That's not cheap if you're doing that weekly!

So I stopped going.  I broke up with my therapist in the nicest way possible and told her it just wasn't working for me.  It was awkward, but for the best.

I've always enjoyed running and have ran for exercise for years.  We live in a really beautiful area with luscious thick trees and running trails galore.  One of my friends talked me into running a 15k with her this summer.  Not terribly long, just long enough to be fun, about 9 ish miles.  I noticed that after I got back from a run that my mind was more clear, I felt more positive about our future, and I was genuinely happy.  Now I really try to run everyday.  It makes me feel so clear and level-headed to get outside and feel the sunshine and breathe in fresh air.

Now don't misunderstand me, I am not some amazing runner that runs all of these races all of the time and does 8 minute miles.  No, that is not me.  I just run and move my legs and sometimes it is slow and sometimes it is fast, but I just move.  I liked the 15k that I ran so much that I signed up to run a half marathon in a few months.  I don't care what my time is.  It probably won't be that great anyway.  I just want to finish.  Who cares?  As long as I finish I will feel really great about myself.

There aren't too many things I have control over these days.  Even though we have been potty training for over a year, there are still accidents.  Daily.  I can't control that.  I can't control that I have two boys with autism.  I can't control that although my husband is a successful attorney, he works a ton and we don't get to see him very often.  I can't control the actions of my extended family or my parents.  I can't control how they view my children.  In a world where there isn't a lot I can control, it is nice to be able to control my legs and tell them to get me from point A to point B.  How grateful I am that I can move my legs.

So for me, running is cheaper (and better) than therapy.  :-)