Running is Cheaper than Therapy

I saw that exact bumper sticker the other day while we were driving to Occupational Therapy.  I almost laughed out loud, because for me, this could not be more true.

My friend and me after our 15k

You see, I've been to therapy before.  This year, not too many months ago.  I think I reached my breaking point.  I was hanging on the end of a rope and I felt like I might let go and plummet to my death.  Figuratively speaking here. 

Now don't get me wrong here.  I think therapy can be a very helpful thing for some people.  And I also know that it can be helpful once you find the right therapist that can talk to you and help you sort through everything that is going on in your life. 

For me, I was raising two young boys.  That in and of itself is tiring and daunting.  My boys also just happen to have an Autism Spectrum Disorder, which brings many difficulties and challenges.  I also felt so much guilt.  I've never felt so much guilt in all of my life.  I was choking on guilt.  I couldn't breathe.  I felt guilty that both of my boys were premature.  Guilty that I somehow caused them to have the issues that they have.  Guilty that I wasn't doing enough.  They weren't on a GFCF diet (gluten free casein free) like many of the moms in the autism community were doing.  We tried it, and it wasn't working for us.  I felt like I didn't fit in with my 'regular' friends who had neurotypical kids (neurotypical is a phrase coined in the autism community for someone that is not on the autism spectrum) but I also didn't fit in with the moms that had kids on the spectrum.  I felt depressed, isolated, and alone, so so so so alone.

My husband and several friends recommended I go talk to someone.  So I could get over this guilt that I had and that I could be the best mom I could be to my little guys.  So I made a call and waited about 4 weeks until my first appointment.

Her name was Karol and she was/is a delightful and competent therapist.  I visited with her for over the course of about 6 weeks, seeing her once a week.  I felt more stressed and more out of whack during this time than ever.  I had to get child care during my sessions, and that stressed me out to no end.  I worried about the boys during my appointments.  If my husband ever watched them, I worried that I was taking him away from his work and that I was making him be more stressed out with work issues. 

Also, talking about my boys and their issues brought up more bad feelings.  She made me talk about the trauma I experienced when I gave birth to my second son.  It was a traumatic birth (more on that later) and talking about it made me feel more guilty that my body was somehow less than and couldn't bear children properly.  I usually came home from each visit in a funk and a grumpy mood.  Plus it was expensive!!  We have insurance but I still had to pay $40 bucks per session.  That's not cheap if you're doing that weekly!

So I stopped going.  I broke up with my therapist in the nicest way possible and told her it just wasn't working for me.  It was awkward, but for the best.

I've always enjoyed running and have ran for exercise for years.  We live in a really beautiful area with luscious thick trees and running trails galore.  One of my friends talked me into running a 15k with her this summer.  Not terribly long, just long enough to be fun, about 9 ish miles.  I noticed that after I got back from a run that my mind was more clear, I felt more positive about our future, and I was genuinely happy.  Now I really try to run everyday.  It makes me feel so clear and level-headed to get outside and feel the sunshine and breathe in fresh air.

Now don't misunderstand me, I am not some amazing runner that runs all of these races all of the time and does 8 minute miles.  No, that is not me.  I just run and move my legs and sometimes it is slow and sometimes it is fast, but I just move.  I liked the 15k that I ran so much that I signed up to run a half marathon in a few months.  I don't care what my time is.  It probably won't be that great anyway.  I just want to finish.  Who cares?  As long as I finish I will feel really great about myself.

There aren't too many things I have control over these days.  Even though we have been potty training for over a year, there are still accidents.  Daily.  I can't control that.  I can't control that I have two boys with autism.  I can't control that although my husband is a successful attorney, he works a ton and we don't get to see him very often.  I can't control the actions of my extended family or my parents.  I can't control how they view my children.  In a world where there isn't a lot I can control, it is nice to be able to control my legs and tell them to get me from point A to point B.  How grateful I am that I can move my legs.

So for me, running is cheaper (and better) than therapy.  :-)