Sleep is a Beautiful Thing!

Happy Thanksgiving!  Today I am so grateful for sleep.  SO GRATEFUL!

I was reminded last weekend how much we love sleep and Tired Teddies.  If you knew me in real life, I've probably already proclaimed to you how these miracle herbs have changed our life.  You think I'm kidding?  Read on, because I'm not!  Tired Teddies are an all natural chewable sleep aid for little ones.  It's basically a chewable melatonin with some other awesome special herbs that help kids sleep.  It's all natural with no crap or fillers, and best of all- it works!!  No guilt, happy kids, and a very happy mama.  You see, I think my boys both win the grand prize for worst sleepers in the world.  They are terrible sleepers.  Terrible!

My oldest didn't start out a terrible sleeper.  He was actually a pretty easy baby.  He started sleeping through the night at 8 weeks.  He was always so content to just be in his crib by himself and watch his ceiling fan slowly spin.  I could leave him on the ground and he would entertain himself and be content on his own for hours.  But this is all another story for another time, we're talking about sleep today.

I got pregnant with my 2nd son, Ash,  when my oldest son, Ez,  was just barely 12 months old.  I think it all started to go downhill from there.  When Asher was born, he was a terrible sleeper and he cried ALL OF THE TIME.  I blamed it on so many things.  He was born premature (both of my boys were born 5 weeks premature) and he spent over a week in the NICU.  When we finally took him home I woke him up and fed him every 3 hours.  He was so little and he needed to gain weight.  Months went by and although I was not waking him up in the middle of the night to feed him, he was still waking up. 

Asher did not sleep through the night until he was 18 months old.  I am not kidding.  I had every book imaginable on sleep training.  I ordered dvds from the baby whisperer.  I made sure he ate a ton of food right before bed because he would wake up hungry.  Still, he did not sleep through the night until he was 18 months old.  And when I say 'sleep through the night' I mean he went from waking 4 times a night to waking 1 time a night.  Believe me when I say that was a fuzzy 18 months for me!  I was so sleep deprived. 

This was during his 'I have to wear my helmet everywhere' phase.

 Ezra was always good about going to bed, but he would wake up in the middle of the night and 'sleep walk' and do weird things.  He really freaked me out one night when he got up out of bed and with his eyes closed sat upright in a chair we had right beside our bed.  I worried that he would walk right out the front door!  I still do!  We've taken the necessary precautions for a lock on the top of the front door.  We also had to start locking him in his room (for his safety).  Even still, I would find him in his room the next morning in the weirdest positions or on the hardwood floor with his head smashed into the corner of the wall.  Inevitably, he would wake up tired and groggy and not well rested.

Fast forward 6 months.  Asher had just turned 2 and Ezra had just turned 4.  I ordered Tired Teddies and was very skeptical.  Very skeptical.  A friend of mine had heard about them and knew my situation- as Tired Teddies advertised that they were great for kids with Autism.  Well, I was blown away.  Both of my boys, let me repeat that, BOTH OF MY BOYS slept through the night that first night with absolutely no problems.  This had to be a coincidence, right?  So the next night we tried them again- and same thing!  To make a very long story short- we started using them around April/May of this year and I have been using them every single day since then.  For the first time in almost 3 years I am also sleeping through the night because I am not getting up with the kids!

This was his 'wear your sunglasses everywhere' phase. :-)

In the past 6 months or so, I have been telling everyone about Tired Teddies.  It sounds so cliche, but they have really changed my life.  It's not fun to not sleep through the night.  My boys were missing lots of preschool and we were missing lots of church because everyone was sleep deprived and getting sick!

Sleeping like a champ!!

 So this past weekend I went out of town to attend my best friend's wedding.  My husband took work off and stayed home with the boys.  What a great guy, right?!  Jason is normally a very busy attorney and he isn't usually home when I put the boys to bed.  So he doesn't really remember every part of our bedtime routine.  About 2 days into my absence, Jason was going nuts.  The kids weren't sleeping and they were having some bad tantrums.  He called me and was complaining to me about it.  I was like: 'well did you give them their Tired Teddies?'  And the answer: no, he didn't.  The next 2 nights the boys got their Teddies and there were absolutely no sleep problems.  These little teddies are a miracle!!  I was reminded how awesome these little herbs are when we got a glimpse of what our sleepless life used to be like. :-)  And you know what else?  They taste really good too.  My boys both love the flavor.  And should I be admitting this- I have been known to take one when I am having problems sleeping.  They taste great.

So that's my soapbox.  Tired Teddies gave me back my sleep and my life!  As dramatic as that sounds, they truly did.

Kennedy Krieger Institute Center for Autism

Oh, Kennedy Krieger.  I have a love / hate relationship with this place. 

On the one hand, I feel so grateful and fortunate that we live in an area that has such great autism services.  The Kennedy Krieger Institute Center for Autism is apart of the Johns Hopkins hospital in Maryland.  The research they have going on and the doctors that they have in this building are nationally recognized.  This entire building is dedicated to just autism.  They know what they are talking about here.

Now to some complaining.  We make the 1.5 hour drive to this place 4 times a year for the boys' doctor appointments.  I seriously could drive here with my eyes closed.  Seriously.  We also participated in a weekly Occupational Therapy program here over the summer while the boys were out of school.  So like I said, I drive here a lot!  They also both have a developmental/behavioral pediatrician and a neurologist.  The boys have an appointment every 6 months where they do extensive testing.  They often schedule our appointments over the course of 2 - 3 days.  Mostly because the testing is long and tiresome and they schedule in breaks for the kids.  It is exhausting mentally and physically.  Not just for the kids, but for me also.  Again, while I love this place to death- there is nothing more disheartening to listen to the results of the testing after a few long days.  I hate hearing how far behind my kids are.  Just when I think they are improving so much, it leaves me deflated to hear what age level they are at developmentally.  Ezra was diagnosed with autism while we still lived in California, but Asher received his diagnosis here.  Anyway, I really hate to complain about what a blessing it is to have such amazing doctors, research, and therapies at my finger tips.

This past week was our big Kennedy Krieger visit for Asher's 32 month appointment.  Now that the boys have a diagnosis, the doctors here closely follow them, offer advice and therapy suggestions, and do follow up testing to see if they have improved.  The testing they do is also used for their research and new findings in the autism world. 

Asher was less than 5 months old when Ezra was diagnosed with autism.  Most people aren't aware that if you have one child with autism that there is almost a 20% chance that you will have another child with autism.  Especially if that child is a boy.  Now, while they still have no idea the causes of autism (although there are tons of studies, articles, and journals that have theories) they are sure that it is in some small part genetic.  So at the age of 5 months old we had Asher participate in a sibling autism study at the University of Maryland.  Even at the 6 month mark, Asher was behind where he should be developmentally for his age.  I remember the day so well like it was yesterday.  Asher had his 14 month appointment with the sibling autism study and all signs pointed to him also having autism.  I wanted to crumble into a ball and die.  I remember driving home with sweet baby Asher in the car.  It was crazy raining, and my eyes were so full of tears I couldn't see where I was driving.  I looked in the rear view mirror and saw Asher, happy as a clam, with his fuzzy stick straight hair and big blue eyes.  I didn't care what label the world gave him.  So what, he has autism- I told myself.  Some people have children dying from cancer.  Ezra and Asher definitely weren't dying, so what was I crying about?  I scraped myself off the floor (although I still sometimes have to do that) and told myself that I would be their advocate.  They didn't have a voice, so I would scream to the whole world and be rooting for them, cheering them on, and advocating for them here on out.  Anyway, sorry for the rant, but because of Ezra's diagnosis we were super vigilant in testing Asher, taking him to see doctors, and having him in therapy and play groups.

What a cute little stinker

Now onto our appointment!  They first start with an eye tracking test.  This is such an interesting and fascinating test.  They start with Asher strapped in a  high chair and have him watch a short cartoon.  They played a 30 second Thomas the Train clip to get him interested in the video and for the computer to lock on his eyes.  Then they will show short video clips, pictures of faces, and geometric shapes to see what Asher is interested in looking at.

They use a red dot for him to lock his eyes on so that they will be able to track his eye movements.

I know this picture is crazy blurry, but here is examples of some of the things Asher would be looking at.  Here there is a picture of a man's face and to the side a brightly colored geometric shape.  Some research and studies have found that children with an ASD usually prefer to look at the geometric shape over the person's face and eyes.  To understand more about this, you can view a research study out of UC San Diego where they tested the exact same thing.

Next is the ADOS, which stands for Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule.  Basically, it's just a test where an examiner observes Asher.  They observe how he plays with things, how he communicates, and how he responds to certain obstacles the examiner puts up.  I didn't take many pictures, but here is Asher in his first test.

They take Asher into a room with a 2 way mirror where there is a bunch of different toys that he can play with.  Asher thinks that he is alone and they observe him playing by himself for 10 minutes.  They see what toy he wants to play with and how he plays with that toy (if he plays appropriately).  My kids always always always enjoy toys that have an aspect of cause and effect.  Here Asher is hitting balls into a toy with a little hammer.  He does something and then something happens-- cause and effect.

I like to think that this is just the little genius engineer in him. :-)  We had to show both Ezra and Asher (and we continually show them) how to play with most toys.  Like you push a car on the ground and make vroom vroom sounds.  Or you tuck in baby Elmo in his bed with a blanket and give him a kiss.  Or you fly a rocketship in the air and not just hold it in front of your face and spin it's wheels.  While pretend play and childhood play comes so easily to other kids, we have taught these boys how to appropriately play with certain toys.  And when I say "we" I am probably taking most of the credit.  When I say "we" I mean the therapists, teachers, and aides that work with our boys everyday.  Now we are trying to have more toys in our home that are not cause and effect (trying to limit that iPad!!!!) and that foster pretend play skills.

They did a number of other testing over the 2 days we were there.  Gross motor, fine motor, speech, coordination, head size, eye gazes, and communication were all tested.

Taking a juice box break

The good news: we survived the testing and no humans were harmed in the making of this movie!  Ha ha.  Also, Asher is improving.  He is still about a year behind in his age level, but he is improving everyday and making our house such a happy one in the process.  I love absolutely everything about this kid.  No matter what the world calls it: autism, PDD, Aspergers, or whatever else they come up with.  Asher is still my Asher and he is pretty awesome.

Ready to Go to Costco?

I try really hard to not take the boys out shopping.  Mostly because it's a pain.  I find myself forgetting half of the things I was planning on buying.  Or worse, coming home with a bag of neon blue candy suckers or a pink furry robot cat that purrs and walks.  Not speaking from experience here, wink.  I pick my battles.  And while I wouldn't willingly give the kids a huge neon blue sucker (hello blue saliva that stains their clothes FOREVER) to munch on, I'd be willing to give it to them when we're in the middle of Target and we are almost in full on meltdown mode.  Actually, I'd be willing to give them anything if it just meant calm bodies and happy boys until we reach the car.  Am I the only mother that does this?  Gosh, I hope not.

The other week I had to pick up some 1 hour prints at Costco.  The boys were home from school, so we all went and made it a family event to pick them up.  Can I just quickly say how grateful I am for large Costco shopping carts?  Enough space for both of them in those carts!  We love Trader Joe's, but I swear we've been asked to leave on two different occasions because of those teeny tiny shopping carts and the fighting that ensues!  But I digress...

Anyway, the prints weren't ready by the time that we got there.  They told us to come back in 10 minutes.  So we perused the Christmas aisle.  Ez and Ash loved the Christmas aisle and loved looking at the bright lights and Christmas trees.  They touched everything.  I let them. (GASP!)  Ten minutes flew by.  We left the Christmas aisle, picked up our prints, and headed home.  End of story. 

The following Monday was a no school day because of fall break and parent teacher conferences.  I was worried about this day because sometimes the smallest change in routine can really throw the kids off.  I got Ezra up first, like I always do, and started helping him get dressed for the day.  I asked him: "Ezra, what do you want to do today?"  Now you need to understand that I wasn't expecting an answer.  Ezra doesn't answer questions if he doesn't have the answer memorized or if the question isn't concrete.  He also portrays some Echolalia, where instead of answering the question, he would just repeat back to me, "Ezra what do you want to do today?"  We've been working on answering questions for over a year.  He now can tell you his name when asked.  He can also tell you which planet is the biggest, which planet is the closest to the sun, and which planet has rings.  He can't tell you how old he is.  Or who is his brother.  But we're working on it.  He's good at receptively labeling things (like "what's this?" *pointing to a chair* "chair!"  or "who is that?"  *pointing to Asher* "Asher!")

Anyway, back to my story.  So I asked him what he wanted to do today.  He looked up at me and said: "Ready to go to Costco!"  I literally fell to the ground.  Mostly because I was shocked and surprised.  I didn't know if this was just a coincidence.  Maybe he didn't understand my question and he had been thinking about all of those awesome Christmas decorations at Costco and it was just a coincidence.  I don't know, but I also didn't care.  I wanted to reward him for being the best kid ever.  So dang it, we spent the whole day at Costco.

You probably think I am kidding.  And maybe I am exaggerating just a teensy bit, but we did spend a good 3 hours that day at Costco.  It was actually so adorable to watch Ezra know and tell me exactly what he wanted.  I was silently having a party and cheering him on! 

When we finally reached Costco that day Ezra just kept saying: "ready to go to Costco!  Yeah, Costco, yeah Costco!"  The boys got in the shopping cart and I pushed it inside.  Ezra moved to the front of the shopping cart and directed me to exactly where he wanted to go.  He pointed and said: "that way, that way, that way!"  While pointing to the exact aisle I should go to.  Of course, we ended up in the Christmas aisle.  Ezra especially loved this very breakable and fragile snowman with a moving train inside of if.  He loved it so much that if it wasn't $70 bucks I probably would have bought it for him.  He was mesmerized.

And like I said earlier, we literally spent 3 hours in Costco on that Christmas aisle.  A very well spent 3 hours, I think.

Celebrating Halloween!

Here is proof that we celebrated Halloween this year!  The boys were train engineer drivers.  Ez was a driver for Thomas the train and Ash was a driver for a no name train. :-)

Don't mind the chocolate on his face!

This was pre- chocolate on his face. :-)

I'll be honest, it's easy for us to skip holidays.  The boys usually get pretty over stimulated no matter the holiday.  4th of July?  Too loud.  Easter egg hunt?  Forget it.  Halloween?  Too scary, too much candy, too much sensory overload.  Also, they still aren't really aware of holidays yet.  Even though Ez is almost 5 he wouldn't have a clue that we skipped Halloween, Thanksgiving, or even Christmas.  That's not typical for most almost 5 year olds, right?

Although, this year Ez has taken much more interest in holiday stuff.  We have 3 pumpkins on our front porch that we decorated for Halloween and Ez calls it our 'pumpkin patch'.  I also took him to Costco the other day and he took a keen interest in the Christmas aisle.  So he is slowly becoming more aware.

On to Halloween!  We went to a 'trunk or treat' put on by our church the night before Halloween.  They had a chili and cornbread dinner, then a costume parade, and then everyone went outside for the candy.  We came early so we could get a seat and avoid too much noise.  The boys would only eat the cornbread muffins and a chocolate cookie.  This was not a surprise. 

By the time the dinner was over, the boys were getting really agitated.  It was really loud and there was a lot of strange and fun costumes to look at.  They both started running laps around the church.  This was our cue.  Even though I wanted so badly to have them show off their costumes in the parade, we knew they wouldn't be able to handle it.  I brought some candy for the trunk or treat portion too, but sadly we wouldn't be able to participate.

Running laps!

 The actual night of Halloween was the next night.  We dressed the boys up in there costumes again, and went around to our neighbors in our cul-de-sac.  They both only lasted a few minutes before they wanted to go back home.  I was really proud of Ezra.  He wasn't so great at saying 'trick or treat' but he was awesome at saying 'thank you' each time a piece of candy was dropped into his bucket. 

We had a great Halloween!  We had some minor tantrums, but overall a successful sugar induced coma night!

Happy Fall Y'all!

It's pumpkin time!  Hooray!  Like everyone else, I absolutely love fall.  This is one thing that I really missed while we lived in California.  The weather in California is so nice.  It is always so nice.  So nice that it even started to be a little bit boring and monotonous for me.  I love big sweaters, knee high boots, warm soup, and everything pumpkin.  I am a creature that needs change and seasons, so bring on the fall and the cold weather!

We have some great pumpkin patches and farms in the area that we live in.  We also have great fall foliage that turns such beautiful colors!  This place is gorgeous in the fall.  The pumpkin patches and farms can get quite busy around this time of year.  We try and make adjustments where we can so that the boys can still participate and see the fall festivities, but also not be too overstimulated.

Ez & Ash Fall 2013

First off, we always go in the middle of the week.  Always.  Jason will take work off and I will have the boys miss preschool that day.  Are you thinking that I am mother of the year for taking the kids out of school?  Hey, you do what you got to do!

The middle of the week is not as crowded.  Ezra and Asher don't do well with large crowds.  Especially Ezra.  He will get too overstimulated and it will cause something like a not nice tantrum or him running away and endangering himself.  So we always try to go on a day that isn't busy (and a positive side- there are no lines and the admission is cheaper!!).

Cox Farms is our favorite.  They have slides, farm animals, hay rides, and all of the apple cider and apples that you can eat for free.

We first visited the goat farm.  Asher really likes animals.  He has always been so interested in them.  I've read numerous stories and studies that state that animals are so beneficial for children with autism.  They help children display more social behaviors; smiling, looking at faces, etc.  Animals can also help in comforting a child with ASD and in teaching empathy.  I think this is totally true for Asher.  He lights up when he sees animals.  He signs more and makes more verbal sounds around animals.

But Ezra?  Yeah, Ezra hates animals.  He is terrified of them.  He always has been.  Ezra is very sensitive to sounds and he really hates animals sounds.  Not only does he hate the actual sound an animal will make, but if I make an animal sound like 'moo moo' or 'woof woof'  he does not like that either.  He will cover his ears and move his hands over his ears very fast like he is trying to wipe gunk off of them.  When he watches a movie or plays on the iPad I always mute them.  He doesn't like sound at all.  There might be other reasons why he doesn't like animals, but the most obvious reasons is because of the sounds they make.  Maybe we should get this kid a dog? ;-)

It looks like we are torturing the poor kid!

 Ezra finally gave in to pet the baby goat.  They were the cutest things ever!  But he still had to protect himself. :-)

Finally petting the goat!

Asher was terrified at first.  You probably can't see from the pictures, but Jason and I took turns holding him for the first 15 minutes until he calmed down.  Then he went to town petting the goats and got quite verbal with them.  He is our screamer and our jumper!  I love that about Asher.  He is always full of excitement!  Asher means "happy one" in Hebrew, and he really lives up to his name- most of the time!  You can see what I mean in our videos.

You can also see that Asher decided to use the goat walkway like a slide.  The kid loves slides but it definitely made for very dirty jeans!



Onto the slides.  My kids might be apprehensive with animals, but they have no fear in the height and speed department.  This farm has tons of little slides that are geared for the kids.  We didn't waste our time there.  Nope.  There is one gigantic slide at the edge of the farm that only the bravest go down.  Ez and Ash love this slide.  One time we were waiting at the top of the slide to speed down and a group of 8-10 year olds got too scared and backed out of going down.  And then there is always a few 5-6 year olds that get to the top and start crying until someone agrees to walk back down the hill with them.  Not my boys.  They are fearless.  Sometimes this can be a good thing, but sometimes this can be a really really really bad thing.  They don't recognize imminent danger which is very very bad.  But when it is time to ride slides it's a good thing!  Here is proof that they love the big slide!

Did I mention that pink is his favorite color?

Covering his ears because he hears an alpaca in the very faint distance

We had a great day at the pumpkin farm!  On the way home we snarfed down candy corn and homemade root beer like it was going out of style.  Yes, I am addicted to sugar!  Happy fall y'all!

Dumb Things People Say

I have a lot of thoughts today about autism and the really dumb things people say.  I need to explain myself though, and in order to do that I need to talk about my husband's mother.

It's been almost 7 years since Sandi, my mother in law passed away.  We miss her and think of her every single day.  I cry when I think of Sandi not being here with us on earth to give us love and encouragement for our boys.  She worked with special needs children at the elementary school that her children went to.  I just know that she would have been amazing with my boys and a very loving grandmother to them.

I met Sandi before I ever met my husband, Jason.  The first time I ever met her was on a Sunday in my church house.  You see, I had just come home from an 18 month mission for my church.  During that time, my parents moved to a smaller and more manageable home for their needs.  My parents attended a new church house (same church, but a different building) and when I got home from my mission I went to church with them.

I knew no one in this new church house.  No one.  So I was quite surprised when I first met Sandi.  We were sitting on a pew in the chapel when services were about to begin.  This woman on the other side of the chapel leans over and starts smiling and waving and mouthing something to me.  She was beautiful.  Like breathtakingly beautiful.  She had this stark black hair.  Her eyes were a piercing grayish green.  And she was dressed to the nines.  She had on all of this gorgeous chunky silver jewelry, a perfectly tied silk scarf on her neck, and perfectly manicured nails.  Like I said, she was gorgeous.

Sandi at our wedding reception

I smiled and waved back.  I whispered to my mom and asked her who this woman was.  Did I know her and just didn't remember?  My mom replied: "No, that's Sandi.  She is the sweetest and kindest woman.  She just loves returned missionaries.  She lives alone with her single son."  I hope I am setting up a positive image of this woman.

Fast forward one year- and I was marrying her single son, Jason.  Fast forward a year after we were married, and she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She fought breast cancer for a long time.  She got to a point in her cancer treatments that she was unable to take care of herself.  At that time, Jason and I were the only ones in her family that did not have children.  We spent many of nights at her home getting her dinner, getting her medicine, and just spending time with her while she was feeling awful.

In the last few months of her life she was very sick.  We all knew that it was only a few weeks or days before she would pass away.  Lots of people in the neighborhood, in her local church ward, friends, and family members came to say goodbye.  Jason and I stayed in her room with her to be with her and visit with the other people that came to visit.

I remember this one incident so clearly.  A woman in her neighborhood came to say goodbye.  Jason and I both knew her fairly well.  Let's call her Mary.  There were other people there too.  Mary started talking to Sandi and told her how jealous she was of her.  She said that there was nothing more she would like to do than to lie in bed all day just like Sandi was.  Mary talked about how she was so busy and she just wished that she could have some down time and lie in bed too.

It was one of those moments where our mouths literally dropped and hung open.  Other people in the room were looking around like: 'Did she just say what I thought she really just said??'  But yes, Mary said it.  Luckily Sandi was so out of it and medicated at the time that she just smiled back at her, grabbed her hand, and thanked her for visiting.  Or maybe Sandi was just being the saint that she was.

Sandi's funeral

Jason and I still talk about that incident.  Did Mary really wish that she could have cancer so that she could lie in bed all day?  Probably not.  Hopefully not.  But people say things, especially in uncomfortable situations, that they don't really mean.  Maybe Mary was jealous of the attention that Sandi was getting.  They had been neighbors for years and then suddenly for the past 2 years everybody cared about Sandi and no one cared about Mary.  Or maybe it was just an uncomfortable situation and Mary didn't know what to say and then it just came out of her mouth.  Maybe.  Who knows.

Now what I just shared with you is a really extreme case that drives the point hard.  Jason and I call that 'the case of the cancer' whenever we talk about it.  I've had many 'Marys' in the short 2 years that we've been on the spectrum throw out 'the case of the cancer' to me.  People have said things to me, and continue to say things to me that I often think: 'Did they really just say that?'  Most of the time I brush it off.  I know that people just don't know autism and it's issues or maybe they don't know what to say.  I usually brush it off.  Sometimes though, it hurts.  Really really bad.

I won't share the ones that hurt.  I don't want to focus on those comments today.  Let me explain one comment that I get A LOT that I am good about brushing off.

My kids are both in an ABA based preschool.  ABA stands for Applied Behavior Analysis.  There are many treatments for autism, ABA being one of them.  ABA has been around since the 1960s, it is widely recognized and used, and has been endorsed by a number of state and federal agencies.  My kids go to preschool everyday and are gone for a few hours each day.  Both of my boys started this ABA preschool at the age of 2 and a half.  It is good for them to be in school, but they miss out on being little kids at home.  They are away from me, and that absolutely breaks my heart.  It actually kills me.  But, I know that early intervention is important and I know that this is the best thing for them right now in order to obtain the skills and behaviors they need to function in this world.

Ez and Ash at school.  Ezra wears sunglasses outside because he sensitive to light.

People say to me all of the time how jealous they are of me.  How easy my life must be.  How they would love to trade places with me.  I've even gotten a: 'how do I get my kid to have autism so I can send them off to school also?' How I must sit at home all day and just watch TV and Netflix.  I also get a lot of: 'wow, what do you do with all of that time to yourself?'  And: 'when are you going to go back to work, don't you get bored with all of that free time?'

People say dumb things and they really don't mean it.  I really doubt these people would trade their neurotypical child for a child with autism just so they could have an extra 3 hours alone each day.  They wouldn't really trade their child in, but they are probably uncomfortable with the situation and they don't know what else to say.  Or maybe they realize how hard my life is so they are trying to make me feel better by telling me how awesome it is to have 3 hours alone.  Whatever the reason, it's a dumb thing to say and sometimes I wish people would think a little bit before they speak.

Running is Cheaper than Therapy

I saw that exact bumper sticker the other day while we were driving to Occupational Therapy.  I almost laughed out loud, because for me, this could not be more true.

My friend and me after our 15k

You see, I've been to therapy before.  This year, not too many months ago.  I think I reached my breaking point.  I was hanging on the end of a rope and I felt like I might let go and plummet to my death.  Figuratively speaking here. 

Now don't get me wrong here.  I think therapy can be a very helpful thing for some people.  And I also know that it can be helpful once you find the right therapist that can talk to you and help you sort through everything that is going on in your life. 

For me, I was raising two young boys.  That in and of itself is tiring and daunting.  My boys also just happen to have an Autism Spectrum Disorder, which brings many difficulties and challenges.  I also felt so much guilt.  I've never felt so much guilt in all of my life.  I was choking on guilt.  I couldn't breathe.  I felt guilty that both of my boys were premature.  Guilty that I somehow caused them to have the issues that they have.  Guilty that I wasn't doing enough.  They weren't on a GFCF diet (gluten free casein free) like many of the moms in the autism community were doing.  We tried it, and it wasn't working for us.  I felt like I didn't fit in with my 'regular' friends who had neurotypical kids (neurotypical is a phrase coined in the autism community for someone that is not on the autism spectrum) but I also didn't fit in with the moms that had kids on the spectrum.  I felt depressed, isolated, and alone, so so so so alone.

My husband and several friends recommended I go talk to someone.  So I could get over this guilt that I had and that I could be the best mom I could be to my little guys.  So I made a call and waited about 4 weeks until my first appointment.

Her name was Karol and she was/is a delightful and competent therapist.  I visited with her for over the course of about 6 weeks, seeing her once a week.  I felt more stressed and more out of whack during this time than ever.  I had to get child care during my sessions, and that stressed me out to no end.  I worried about the boys during my appointments.  If my husband ever watched them, I worried that I was taking him away from his work and that I was making him be more stressed out with work issues. 

Also, talking about my boys and their issues brought up more bad feelings.  She made me talk about the trauma I experienced when I gave birth to my second son.  It was a traumatic birth (more on that later) and talking about it made me feel more guilty that my body was somehow less than and couldn't bear children properly.  I usually came home from each visit in a funk and a grumpy mood.  Plus it was expensive!!  We have insurance but I still had to pay $40 bucks per session.  That's not cheap if you're doing that weekly!

So I stopped going.  I broke up with my therapist in the nicest way possible and told her it just wasn't working for me.  It was awkward, but for the best.

I've always enjoyed running and have ran for exercise for years.  We live in a really beautiful area with luscious thick trees and running trails galore.  One of my friends talked me into running a 15k with her this summer.  Not terribly long, just long enough to be fun, about 9 ish miles.  I noticed that after I got back from a run that my mind was more clear, I felt more positive about our future, and I was genuinely happy.  Now I really try to run everyday.  It makes me feel so clear and level-headed to get outside and feel the sunshine and breathe in fresh air.

Now don't misunderstand me, I am not some amazing runner that runs all of these races all of the time and does 8 minute miles.  No, that is not me.  I just run and move my legs and sometimes it is slow and sometimes it is fast, but I just move.  I liked the 15k that I ran so much that I signed up to run a half marathon in a few months.  I don't care what my time is.  It probably won't be that great anyway.  I just want to finish.  Who cares?  As long as I finish I will feel really great about myself.

There aren't too many things I have control over these days.  Even though we have been potty training for over a year, there are still accidents.  Daily.  I can't control that.  I can't control that I have two boys with autism.  I can't control that although my husband is a successful attorney, he works a ton and we don't get to see him very often.  I can't control the actions of my extended family or my parents.  I can't control how they view my children.  In a world where there isn't a lot I can control, it is nice to be able to control my legs and tell them to get me from point A to point B.  How grateful I am that I can move my legs.

So for me, running is cheaper (and better) than therapy.  :-)